O Come, All Ye Startups

A long time ago, I wrote tech parodies of Christmas songs and poems. While it started with The Night Before Demo, it continued with The Night before Christmas, and Working in a Startup Wonderland.

This year, I bring you a darker take on venture capital. If you’re not familiar with the tune, start this video and start reading my lyrics at 11 seconds in.

O come, all ye startups,
Stand and pitch before us,
We don’t want ideas but real life traction.
Come and impress us
We’re not your local angels;
O come, you know you want to,
O come, you know you have to,
O come, you know you dread to,
Prepare your Board.
O, pitch your Vision,
Pitch in total passion,
Pitch all ye denizens of local accelerators;
Glory to traction, whatever that means this time;
O come, we know you need us,
O come, we know you fear us,
O come, we know you’ll ask us,
“Please join our Board.”
The term sheet, we’ve written
Just sent over this morning
It has everything you wanted but also something more
Massive deposits, will be soon appearing
If you only sign it
When you finally sign it
But only if you sign it
We’ll send the wire.